Ol’ Blind Joe
I WON the last game of pool against Death, and he said “let’s split this place”, and we rode off into the sunset and spent the night sleeping next to a fire in Death Valley with Mount Diablo in the distance.
In the morning we headed further west to the coast and dismounted outside a mansion on the Malibu beachfront.
Death didn’t even bother knocking, saying that the old man would be out the back next to the pool.
We sat down next to a bloke with the longest beard I’ve ever seen, and Death said to me “this is Satan”.Read more
I shook Satan’s hand contemplating the manifold allegories concerning him in the history of mankind and asked how he got his reputation as a fallen angel.
He replied that “in the Old Testament you’ll find I sat at the left hand of the Boss doing whatever it was He wanted me to do”.
He gave a wry smile and said, “it’s true concerning Job – I killed his 10 children, wife and livestock, laid waste his lands and afflicted him with every malady known to man to test his devotion to the Boss”.
“I always get the blame, but everything was signed off on by the Old Boy.
“I’m just another branch on the tree of life and the fruit I bear is bittersweet but truthful.
“It was the early Church that came up with all that fire and brimstone stuff to keep their flocks living in perpetual fear of their authority and to keep people submissive.
“I’m less forgiving than the dude who sits at the right hand of the Boss, but all that rubbish about me trying to lead mankind into temptation is the Church’s invention.
“EVIL lurks in the hearts of men and has nothing to do with me – seek within to find its source and own it.
“The fallen bit was because I’m a bit argumentative and won’t back down, and perhaps I do have some questionable hygiene habits.
“Sure, I’m a psychopath and Death here is a lovable sociopath but, hey man, we’re both just fulfilling our roles in the scheme of things.
“I do entertain a few friends downstairs that Death brings me, and we’ll visit them after these beers.”
Our host explained how he would deal with the guys who drive into innocent pedestrians for no good reason.
“I would chain them to the nearest lamp post, hand out baseball bats to the victims and their families, and proceed to break every bone in their bodies and let them crawl into court and out of prison eventually.”
I said: “I’m with you there, man.”
Back in 2003 in Toodyay, someone set fire to the dongas at the rear of the Victoria Hotel.
I was living in my bus out the back and this fire went down at 2am.
By the time the coppers managed to wake me up, the place was well ablaze.
I wandered around disoriented and couldn’t believe how the walls were just seething red furnaces.
You’d think they’re just tin shacks but it’s the insulation and contents that engulfed the joint.
My brain finally kicked in and I realised that there was a really good man in one of those dongas who would never see the light of day again after being incinerated.
Turned out this bloke had lit fires before at other worksites and would then warn everyone so as to become the ‘hero man’ to his workmates and save the day or night.
Seems he got parole a couple of years ago by pleading remorse, and I would have loved to introduce to him to a full, frank and flavoursome variety of that trait.
Truth in justice
EACH hand has 27 bones, and I’ve got a damn good hammer – they could have met together in an engaging manner to ensure his inability to ever light a match again.
Satan laughed and said “there’s hope for you lad,” reasoning that if you know with absolute certainty who the bad guy is, then justice is the truth applied unapologetically.
He grabbed an apple from the table and walked towards the stairs leading down to the basement, flashing a smile to indicate that we should follow.
As we descended, he explained that he liked to drop in on these friends below just to make sure they were comfortable.
On the landing he reached into an aquarium and drew out a snake, and when we got to the open-plan basement, he let the snake loose and threw the apple onto the floor.
Seated on an old couch were the Boss himself and a bunch of archangels fighting over a bag of Tim Tams.
Both ignored the snake and the apple on the floor because nothing could distract them from the vision of Hell being played out on a TV screen in the corner.
They were watching My Kitchen Rules and laughing their haloes off without noticing how the cult of food worship had consumed the Western World while famine and starvation ran rampant across the planet.
Satan nudged my shoulder and said “See what I’ve done? – I told you this is what it’s really like down in Hades,” he laughed.
When we got back upstairs for some more beers, we were still laughing our hearts out and savouring the irony, which was delicious.
Death turned to me and said: “It’s good to see you once more man – and when I see you again at the Final Crossing, I’ll make sure I have a cold carton of Coopers for us to stop and share on our journey across the river.”
The devil is come down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth he hath but a short time – Revelation of St John, 12:12.